I painted myself nude
and you should too.
Author’s note: This was my first ever ‘large’ oil painting. Large is relative in modern art these days, but the canvas is 4 feet by 3 feet, so we’re talking two-thirds of my height, being just over 6 feet tall. It was quite a daunting prospect staring at a pearly white, blank canvas of this size, but I had an idea that needed to be expressed and I took it step by step.
Here’s the painting and the blurb:
Blue Man (2021) – 121.92 cm x 96.52 cm x 2.5 cm – Oil painting on canvas
A piece exploring male insecurity and male vulnerability. Based on my body shape at the time of painting. I have historically had a dislike for my body and would over-eat for comfort.
In my opinion: As a child, my mother would feed me as a form of overcompensation for her childhood, and I got accustomed to expecting her to leave me some of her food at meal times. This piece delves into the mental trap of over-eating and its insidious grip.
I discovered a nude piece by Glen Pudvine (Our desire for the best is the cause of the worst. 10, 2020 Oil and canvas, framed 186.5cm x 156cm) and it triggered me, I felt insecure, I felt angry but I admired his work. This piece was the impetus to face my body insecurity and paint a nude self-portrait.
If you observe the piece closely, you can see my first kidney transplant scar.
Deep childhood body insecurity
One of my early memories of being a large kid, in P.E. as a 4-year-old, running around carefree, in short shorts and no top (I have no idea why I had no top on, maybe we had to back then, it was 1986 after all). I don’t remember how, but I hurt my foot. Hobbling over to find a place to rest my foot, when I sat down I glanced at the rolls of fat around my stomach and felt disgusted with myself. To reinforce this feeling, a girl in my class looked over at me in disgust (maybe it was a projection of my disgust, but this is what I remember).
From that age onwards, I was quite self-aware of being overweight and it was a huge embarrassment. Constantly on a diet, sweating profusely and not understanding why I’m not like the other ‘normal’ kids. Who knows how all of this began, all I know is that I was born premature at 3lbs in weight, then my grandparents adopted me at around 4 months old. So perhaps food was a way of expressing love? Or they were simply trying to feed me up so I could grow? I remember being around 8 years and feeling a strong sense of comfort with food, creating a connection of being safe when eating, and distracting myself from my shyness and self-consciousness when eating. My legal, relatively harmless drug.
Looking back, I still have these habits now, and at the time of writing, I’m the heaviest I have ever been at 136.5kg, but it’s ok, I have had the realisation that things need to change. My weight will not increase any more. It’s time to be courageous and break free from the chains of the past.
Adult body image - The Glen Pudvine effect
I’d like to say a bit more about the Glen Pudvine painting that wasn’t said in the painting’s blurb. It more than triggered me, it made me angry, sad, jealous, and envious, and I felt aggression towards him. It was a melting pot of emotions stirring within me. I’m going to say it, the painting fucked me off! I thought to myself “How fucking stupid is this, I don’t get it, it’s a load of shit. Why is his penis choking himself?.'“
You can see for yourself, he’s a brilliant painter, very skilled at his craft. He did a whole series of himself nude with an abnormal-sized penis (it is abnormal isn’t it?). I feel those emotions rise in me now. But isn’t that part of what art is about? It’s not just about viewing a piece of art and feeling nice about it. Art can make you feel any emotion, and this piece shook me fundamentally, it opened up a deep wound of insecurity I have for my body and my penis. The feelings from the painting troubled me for a while, I even unfollowed Glen on Instagram. Until I decided one day to “fuck it” and face this head-on, to paint myself nude and face these demons.
Sharing your art in public is a vulnerable act
The whole process of creating Blue Man from start to finish has been a cathartic experience. On the 21st of May 2022, I hosted my solo art exhibition, titled, Fistula. It was my very first solo event and I had some very personal pieces exhibited, putting myself out there was quite nerve-wracking, but the positive feedback received was overwhelming. If you’re wondering about the title, a Fistula. “A fistula is a special connection that is made by joining a vein onto an artery, usually in your arm. This creates a large robust blood vessel that can be needled regularly for use during haemodialysis.” I felt as if the title tied the exhibit well together, no pun intended, it sounded quite cool, slightly Roman sounding.
I felt at peace having a nude self-portrait hanging on the wall, which is a testament to the nature of expressing the emotions around my body image in the painting itself and feeling confident to share it with others. The idea of actually being nude in front of others publicly is another ball game altogether! Maybe I will bare all for a life-drawing class sometime soon.
Work-in-progress shots of Blue Man
I started painting this at home, which was problematic for many reasons. Oil paints and carpets don’t go well together (As well as my wife telling me off, deservedly so). In June 2021 I got my own art studio space with made it so much easier!
In ending this post, my message to you:
You don’t have to go out and paint yourself nude (You can if you’d like to! I highly recommend it!). My message to you is this - Take that thing that scares you, that you’re afraid of, that’s bothersome or traumatic. Look at it up close in your mind’s eye, feel it viscerally and create your art through it, express it until it’s physically out there, right in front of you. You don’t have to create an actual depiction of it, just use that energy to express it in your art. Whether that be painting, drawing, writing, making music, or any creative endeavour.
We often create art when we feel good, it’s understandable because it’s an enjoyable pursuit. More recently I have discovered the power of expressing more troublesome emotions through art, it’s a useful form of transmutation of emotions.
On one occasion I was in my studio, I grabbed a bottle of paint, shouted as loud as I could and squirted the luscious, viscous, deep red acrylic paint all over a new canvas, and then left. The power of this is underestimated. Visually and expressively.
I look forward to hearing more about what you create. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post.
Best wishes,
SLART
P.S. If you’d like to buy one of my art prints, you can do so here
I love the vulnerability, art needs more of this- not just shallow works.
I have never done this, but I use myself as a motif in my work to fuse myself with the themes. People seem to have a negative opinion of self depictions, but in my opinion it is the only way to get as close to your craft as possible.
Thanks for sharing!
Fantastic post, mate. Very inspiring.